Pleasing a woman

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Wise elderly man

An elderly man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a very special ring for my girlfriend,"he said. The jeweler looks through his stock,and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand.I want something very unique," he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe."Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. "You #######,you lied, there is no money in your checking account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had ?

Monk - Use email?

Read this

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in
the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

Strange, isnt it?

Answering Machine

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
 

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
 

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
 

4. Hi. Now YOU say something.
 

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
 

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
 

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!
 

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
 

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
 

10. This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
 

11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you!!!!
 

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
 

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
 

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
 

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Obama

Arrested for laughing

This is from an actual trial in the UK:

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When
she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated
on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing.

She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man
was asked why he acted in such a manner.

His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was
pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The
Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement,
which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move
sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have
prevented this accident.'

Steve Jobs

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    Liquor Shop, Kerala, India

Best Beer of All

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."