A Mother's Sex Education

A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get
pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.
Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother
sits down to talk with her. "I know you are adult enough to make the
right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to
abstain from sex until you're married. If you must have sex, then
please use protection." Feeling proud of herself for being so
pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms. The
daughter laughs and hugs her mother.

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a girl!"

Fwds

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain
letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing
it in 2009 also....
Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for
removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle
infected with AIDS.

* Forwarded hundreds of mails but still waiting for FREE DESKTOP,
LAPTOP, CAMERA, CELLPHONE etc….

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they
cause cancer...

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and
sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to
dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to
Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will
get sick from the rat faeces and urine..

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot
she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take
my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl
that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.. (Poor girl!
she's been 7 since 1993...)

* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my account
to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much
trustworthy.
* I have forwarded 35 emails to 400 people hoping that Ericsson or
Nokia will send me latest mobile phones but those models are also
obsolete now.
* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh , Tirupathi
Balaji pics etc. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to
someone else)

IMPORTANT NOTE:
If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next
10 seconds, a bird will P on your head today at 6:30pm.

Nothing has happened till now......... ......... ...but who knows.
So please forward.

What Would Tiger Do?

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her
husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been
with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband
gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the
wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she asks.

"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the
phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

Stress

Professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it.
He held it up for all to see & asked the students
“How much do you think this glass weighs?”
'50gms!' .... '100gms!' .....'125gms'
..the students answered.

“I really don't know unless I weigh it,” said the professor, “but, my question is:
What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?”
'Nothing' …..the students said.

“You're right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?”
“Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress & paralysis & have to go to hospital for sure!”
….. ventured another student & all the students laughed

“Very good.
But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?”
asked the professor.
'No‘…. Was the answer.

“Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress?”
The students were puzzled.
“What should I do now to come out of pain?” asked professor again.
“Put the glass down!” said one of the students

“Exactly!” said the professor.
Life's problems are something like this.
Hold it for a few minutes in your head & they seem OK.
Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache.
Hold it even longer & they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.

It's important to think of the challenges or problems in your life,
but EVEN MORE IMPORTANT is to ‘PUT THEM DOWN' at the end of every day before You go to sleep. That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh &strong & can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!

Small Mistake

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!". Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

Potential Reality

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."