Dog, Monkey and Leopard

Due to his owner's negligence, a dog became lost in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor dog notices a leopard hading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. The dog immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching leopard. Just as the jungle cat is about to leap, the dog loudly says, "My, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard slinks away. "That was too close," thought the leopard, "that dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a mischevious monkey had observed the entire scene, and decided to cause trouble for the dog, while getting on the good side of the leopard as well. The monkey dashed off after the leopard, to tell him what truly happened.

The dog saw the monkey dash off, and suspiciously tailed him from behind. He overhears the monkey spilling the beans, and quickly decides on a course of action, racing back to the pile of bones.

At the same time, the leopard has decided to take care of the dog once and for all. The monkey hops on the leopard's back, to watch the demise of the doomed dog. As the leopard approaches, he can hear the dog talking to himself: "Where's that lazy monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago for another leopard, and he's still not back!"

Bored Chef?

Why Is That?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Restricted Fishing

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides
to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Telepathic Watch

A very handsome and even more confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and cant help but ask, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The woman is intrigued and asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Whats it telling you now?"

"Well, it says youre not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man taps on the face of the watch and explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Bishop and Priest

A bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the priest can't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if there's more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the bishop volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says, "Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The bishop says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sits down and writes: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest, which reads: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Millionare makes Proposal

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!